MANAGING BY FEELINGS IS NOT THE NAME OF A SONG
The greatest leaders are not to be remembered by what they accomplished but by the way they cared for their people. When the buildings, the computers, the machinery, the desks and the chairs are gone, there will only remain what their followers said, what they thought, and what they felt.
Steven, the Food and Beverage Manager burst open the door of my office one of those busy mornings and started complaining about the Chef and how he was his job; an unusual attitude on him since he was usually the good guy. He spit out the anger and resentment flooding his self. After some minutes he regained his usual easy-going attitude and managed to smile. I didn´t have to say anything to him, neither was I supposed to. I realized he was having trouble not with his peers but around something else. Before leaving my office he apologized: his daughter had a terrible accident the night before and was at the hospital. His rudeness was not intentional.
There are thousands of books and theories about leadership, about how to communicate effectively, about how to develop significant relationships among colleagues and subordinates but, when a manager steps into the real world, it seems none of these good intended well written premises really work.
My vocation in life is Management. When I started my own hotel business thirty years ago, I thought I would be spending most of my time planning and organizing activities, designing operative procedures and marketing strategies, analyzing financial statements and such. I visualized myself assigning tasks to my Staff, evaluating results and controlling final results. As days went by it seemed there was never enough time for such important matters. Employees kept coming into my office throughout the day looking for answers, guidance, authorization, loans. When was I supposed to start “my own work”?
As managers we try to organize and delegate tasks in order to dedicate our time to “more important issues”. We forget what managing is all about: we work with people and through our people. At the end, action is taken and things are accomplished because employees want to do so, not because they have to. Thinking otherwise leads to frustration. No motivational technique will make others do something they don´t want to.
People do carry their personal problems to the office. How can we get our work done and, at the same time, deal with our employees personal problems without intruding into their lives? On a busy day there seems to be no time for futile conversations or personal matters. We are supposed to get things done, quick and right; we are supposed to leave our personal stuff outside the office.
Communicating with our employees goes far beyond writing memos, providing instructions, organizing meetings, giving and receiving feedback. It doesn´t mean assigning a regular schedule in order to talk to each of them or ask for their opinions. The kind of communication that really travels deep inside the person is the one that appears to be the least important to the business: communicating through feelings.
When we knew about Steven´s problem, everybody at the office understood the real reason of his anger. No hard feelings were kept. Instead, friendly gestures and helping hands were already there to make the day easier for him. No harm was done. Without this chance to express his feelings, Steven´s contribution during the day would have been a very poor one.
Communicating and managing through feelings means developing a sense of real concern for the person as a whole, of consciously trying to understand what is going on. This does not mean we take care of their lives and problems. It means we care.
Here are some tips which might help you get started in communicating through feelings:
Try to read the employee non verbal language: what they are not saying with words may be more important than the conversation itself.
STOP what you are doing, look directly into his or her eyes, drop whatever is in your hands (specially a cell phone) and PAY ATTENTION… Hearing what they say is completely different from listening to what they are trying to express.
Let them finish. Sometimes they are not expecting an answer; they just want to lay it out.
Allow yourself to show and express your own feelings and emotions. Sensitive communication works both ways. Let your employee know what you think and how you feel about it. Expressing our feelings to our co-workers or employees is probably the most difficult part of this way of managing.
Learn to recognize your mistakes and apologize when you have to. Our employees learn more from what we do than from what we tell them to do. They get literally covered, layer by layer by our managing style, by our manners. An extremely authoritarian boss would have reacted to Steven´s outburst by throwing him out of the office or, perhaps, firing him. How many workplaces do we know which have this negative atmosphere all around?
Before getting into action when a conflict emerges, find out what really happened. Gather all the information you can and evaluate the situation: do you really have to intervene? A lot of conflicts emerge and disappear fast with or without your intervention. Sometimes it is necessary to let a conflict surface and allow others to deal with it. Conflict is part of life. Communicating through feelings helps you to understand conflicts and deal with them at the origins, not on the surface.
Let your employees know when it is the right time for you. We have our own personal constraints and it´s only fair enough to ask for a break if we need it. You are postponing it, not avoiding it.
Clear language, genuine interest, concern and empathy are the clues for effective communication. Understanding your own feelings and dealing with them are the clues for effective communication through feelings.
There is no such thing as a bad employee or a bad boss. There is only the good and the bad communicator.
